Dear Maje: January 2018

Today I woke up feeling lonely in every aspect. I feel alone. I feel broken.

A little backstory: My family lives in California and basically I, live here in the Philippines in this ~~home~~ four walls and a door well atleast I'm trying to make it a home for myself. But I can't. And the only human who kept me in my despair was gone.

I pushed him away.

Because that's what I'm good at. I push people away. Away from me.

With all this, I felt heavy and I don't have someone to talk to. I can't talk to my parents or brothers cause I don't want them to worry about me. Same thing with the guy I pushed away. Why? because I broke up with him 4 days before our 5th anniversary. If I only have someone to talk to. Who will not put judgement on every actions I did. Who will listen to all my anxiety in life.

Now back to reality: It's been a year since the last time I go to church, oh wait I think it was since my brother left me for USA, I used to go to church with him but since he's not here I don't go anymore. I wanted too but anxiety attacks me.

Today is Sunday(Yes I update you guys on Sunday), and I woke up pretty late because who would want to wake up early with all this feeling? As I start my usual day, I opened my laptop and open my music app. And start my music sesh with some praising songs, I told to myself atleast 5 praising songs.

I was singing the first song I've chosen Mighty to save by Jeremy Camp, I don't know what happened to me but while I was singing it flashback the days when me and my brother used to go to church, holding back my tears and stopped myself from singing until the song ended.

2nd song was Lead me to the cross by Hillsong United, again I sang the song with all my heart this time I can't hold back the tears anymore, I allowed myself to cry. It's like he was saying I'm with you, you can talk to me. I cried my heart out and pray, I knew in that moment he's the only one who can mend my broken heart. I asked Lord to hug me, I badly need one. I cried until I felt better and much lighter.

So for you who's feeling the same thing I'm going through right now, always remember that GOD is always with you, cast your burden unto him for he will never leave you and forsake you.

Blessed Sunday to everyone.

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To be honest I've never been a fan of any poetry book since their words are way too deep I easily get drown, this might be the first poetry book that I purchased and believe it or not I fell inlove. I got it September last year but only read it by early this January while waiting for my video to render and as expected I got drown not with how deep the words are, but for how relatable each poem was. I can't believed that it took me 3 months before I picked this book up and start reading it.

Let's talk about this book cover, I actually get this one because of the book cover. It was black and white, nothing more, nothing less. But wait as the saying goes Don't judge the book by it's cover and my brother is not a pig! hahahaha (kidding aside) this book was definitely worth to read aside from it's minimalist cover.

I can definitely say that this book is all about feels (if that's even a proper english term), Filipino millennials can call it HUGOT book ( For my non-filipino readers: hugot means a phrase or sentence that is too deep, mostly all the words/conversation will lead into deep facts about love and relationship.) But don't get me wrong, this book is not only about love, it tackles also some abuses & feminism (hello girl power!).

This book is actually addicting to the point that I can't put it down not until I'm done with the last page, that is why I ended up finishing it for an hour. For an hour I feel vulnerable and thought that finally I found a book who understand what I'm going through right now. It was somehow talking to me. Let me share to you one of my favorite poem from this book.

It was a 3 liner poem but it was hitting you so much. This is one of my favorite lines from Rupi Kaur, as much as I want to post all of my favorites I don't want to be spoiler on what's inside of this book. Let's help Rupi Kaur to earn with her works.

That completes my blog for today btw, my schedule in uploading my videos on my youtube channel is every Mondays and Thursdays while updating blog every Saturdays.

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It's been a sickful (if that's even a term hahaha) year-ender for me, all throughout December I'd been suffering from my on - off flu that is why I haven't post anything.

But first let me greet everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

In my previous blogsite I've done this 2017 goals that I will looked back supposedly at the end of the year but since I deleted it I don't have any reference now hahaha but I do believe I've somehow tick some of my 2017 goals like my 1st out of the country trip and learn how to drive that is all I can remember so far. By doing this I can know if I'm becoming a better version of myself.

This year I wanted some realistic goals so no jumping into cliff or doing a skydiving I'll reserve that for a lifetime goals *wink*

Here are my Goals:

Learn atleast one new language. I'm always fascinated with other language such as french, mandarin and spanish since 2014, I even considered on enrolling myself to a school just to achieve this goal, hopefully this year I can do it now.
2 out of the country trips. I'm a wanderer soul and my 1st out of the country went well so I want to challenge myself today.
Save money. 5000 per month in my savings account and I'll do invisible 100 php and put it in my piggy bank everyday. Hopefully at the end of year I'll have enough funds for travel.
Be Punctual. I don't know what happened to me but I was never been late in any of my appointment when I was a student. But when I got jobs me being late was my worst enemy. It came to the point that the only thing they can blame me is for being late but my work flow was excellent, no more late for 2018.
Read atleast 5 books. 2017 was been a busy year for me hopping from 3 jobs within one year was not easy, I came to a point where I always brought books and put it in my shelves and I didn't touch it. Books are meant to be red, so this year is the time.
1000 subscribers in my YOUTUBE channel. This will motivate me on producing a better content and to update regularly. So far my Dear Maje channel has 101 subbies.
Have a 2nd degree or Do finish my Masters. Never stop learning was one of my motto in life therefore let's make my life miserable I guess hahahaha.
Be more organize. My life need some organization skills, I will track down all my expenses and be more responsible on things.
Go to church on Sunday. Last year I can't remember I went to church maybe that is the reason why I'm in bad shape but this year I will come back and praise my God.
Get Fit. 2017 was totally a wake up call for me to get fit, dresses are no longer fitting me so this time no more excuses.

Hopefully I can achieve atleast half of my goals this year, let's all see if I'll reach it by the end of the year. I'll make another update on this by that time happens.

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